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Friday, July 29th, 2005

2:49 pm

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining through sheer curtains and I could hear the surf crashing on the shore from the open window. I turned my head and for the first time in a long time, he wasn't next to me. But I smiled anyway, I knew where he was.

There was a knock on the door and I turned my head, saying "come in" and my mom pushed open the door, followed by my sister. They forced me out of bed, made me sit in a chair with curlers in my hair and my sister made me let her put on my makeup.

Everything was perfect. Me. Him. Our family. We realized that's all we needed. We were doing this for us not for our friends. We flew everyone to the private island Ryan had rented, the same island we were at when I thought that maybe I had fallen in love with him. We picked today because it's been exactly one year since we decided that this was more than just a couple of dates, that this was something we should try for the rest of our lives.

We made it official around eleven this morning. The sand was pure white beneath our feet, the water that amazing blue green color that you don't expect to see anywhere but in the brochures for places that no one can afford to go. He looked...amazing. I always liked when he wore tuxes, and today was no exception. I have pretty simple tastes, and luckily my dress reflected that, spaghetti straps and a simple sheath, and neither of us wore shoes. We had traditional vows, saving the ones we wrote for each other for a time when we were alone.

This year has been the most incredible year of my life. Yes, there's things about it I'd rather forget, but through all those times, he's been right by my side and I've been by his. People have tried to come between us and tear us apart, and all they've succeeded in doing is pushing us closer together.

He might not have been my first love, but he's going to be my last.

There's days when I wake up and think that it's just about the most perfect day I could ask for. I know now that I was wrong. This was the most perfect day. I woke up on my last day as a single woman and just stopped. And I closed my eyes again and I just thanked God that He gave me this life. And I walked onto the sand with my father and I met Ryan's eyes, and he smiled at me and I got those familiar butterflies in my stomach. I held his hands and I said those words that I'll never say to another person as long as I live and I meant them with every fiber of my being. And I'm going to bed a married woman and sometimes, how lucky I am overwhelms me.

I'm in love. And nothing is going to change that.

( [Anniversaries] )

current mood:

happy

(8 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, July 2nd, 2005

10:59 pm

I don't even know if I can describe how amazing Fiji is. Words like amazing, gorgeous and beautiful don't even begin to describe it. I've never seen water so clear or blue in my life. And the sand - it's just so white. I have to admit, I spent most of the first couple days on the beach. That's the life, I'll tell you. Ryan made me leave the beach, though, and we went shopping one day. Everyone went hiking, and it was so cool, the birds and the wildlife that were to be found. I wanted to go scuba diving, and I got the chance to do that, so I was happy. It's just been a really relaxing vacation and I'm glad we came. It's nice spending time with friends.

Ryan's been on his best behavior, even though it's not easy for him. We talked about it before we left, and he knows that he rises to the bait way too quickly, so he's been working on that. Whenever he catches himself getting pissed off, he walks away. We've taken quite a few walks, just the two of us. But I don't mind.

If we hadn't started to make plans for Italy, I think I'd want to come here to get married. I always wanted a traditional church wedding. When I was a little girl, I had dreams of my dad walking me down the aisle, my train flowing behind me, the church filled with family and friends. But after seeing this place, I'd throw all that away to have my dad walk me onto the sand, wear a plain white dress that only goes to my ankles, only close friends and immediate family in attendance. I can see why people get married on the beach, the roar of the ocean in the background. And if you planned it right, you could say your vows as the sun is setting over the water. It's totally romantic.

Pretty soon we're going to be back to reality. I have to say, I'm not looking forward to it.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, May 26th, 2005

1:09 am

Sometimes the time passes so quickly, I don't realize a month has gone by. I look at the calender for whatever reason and it's like a slap in the face. It seems like just yesterday Ryan was starting Idol and now it's over already.

Not that I'm not glad about it. I am. I love the show and I support Ryan, of course, and I know he has a crazy schedule when it's taping, but it'll be nice to have him home again. I'll actually get to spend more than three nights a week with him, so that's something I'm really looking forward to. Of course, this week I'm sure he'll still be busy, but it'll be nothing like the past few months.

I was at the show with Ryan tonight, and no matter how many years I watch it, I'm always amazed at how they can stretch out reading a name from a piece of paper. I don't envy the contestants who week after week have to wait until the last five minutes to hear the results. Hell, I'm bitching at Ryan in my head to read them, I can't imagine being on that stage and having to wait.

In other news, we pretty much got the flight reservations and the hotel rooms booked for the wedding. It's months away, but I feel better knowing that those things are taken care of. My dress should be done by the end of next month and I'm beyond excited for that. My sister is going to be the maid of honor, so we're going shopping next week sometime to find a dress for her. It seems far away, but I know it's going to be here before I know it and I'll be too nervous then to make sure I have all these things done. I'd feel better knowing it was done and taken care of, so when the time comes, I just have to pack my clothes, remember my plane ticket and board the plane.

But for the next couple weeks, I think we're just going to relax. Now that Ryan's back to a somewhat normal schedule, we have some time alone planned, which is just what we need.

(6 comments | comment on this)

Friday, April 22nd, 2005

10:50 pm

I really really hate when people think they know Ryan better than I do. Yes, there are people who obviously know him pretty well. His mom and dad and his sister, for example. But other than that? I don't think anyone really knows him like I do. I know what makes him tick, his ins and outs, his little idiosyncrasies that make him different from anyone else I know. I know what makes him happy. I know exactly what to do and what to say when he's having a bad day. I know how to make him smile when he doesn't want to. And he can say the same about me. I can count the number of people who know me as well as Ryan does on one hand. It's not that I try to keep people at arms length, it's just spending that much time with a person tends to make you learn everything. Anyone in a relationship can attest to that.

So I really hate when other people try to act like they know him. Or they don't listen to me when I say that Ryan doesn't like something or is uncomfortable with something. If I'm telling you he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. It's as easy as that. Don't tell me that he doesn't mind. Don't blow me off. Listen to what I'm telling you and trust that I know my fiance a bit better than you do. I'm the one who's going to spend my life with him, I'm the one he comes home to every night, and I'm the one he bitches to when someone does something he doesn't like. I know him. I know him better than I know myself sometimes.

We've both been really busy lately. He's been busy with work, on top of the radio show and Idol, he has a special coming up this weekend he's been preparing for. And then on Wednesday, he got a star on the walk of fame, so he was preparing for that. That was a pretty great thing to see, I'm so proud of him.

I've been trying to plan the wedding, it's months away, but it feels like it's coming up so fast. I've had deadlines for sending payments and picking a tentative menu, and the dates have come and gone before I could blink. I found a dress that I like, I got lucky and found it at the first place I went. It's exactly what I've always wanted, and I am so excited that I found it. I'm a bit worried about packing it and the veil on the plane for the wedding, but I spoke to the people at the shop, and they're going to package it for me and it should be good to go.

But the closer it gets the more excited I get. I never thought I was that girl who needed the wedding and the husband and the happily ever after. But planning this and trying on the dresses and picking out the songs and menu I'm realizing that I might not have been the girl who needed it, but I'm realizing I'm the girl who wanted it.

(7 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, March 17th, 2005

2:06 pm

Ryan and I have been hiding out alone for the past couple weeks. With Idol's live shows starting again, he's been crazy busy and when he's not working, we're mostly spending time alone. It's nice, really. He's been busy with the show and his radio show and this clothing line thing he's doing, so when we get the time to spend together, we take it.

His parents are in town for a while, too, so they've been here. We're tossing around the idea of heading to Mexico or something for Easter. There's this place just across the border that we've been to before and really love and he knows his parents will like it, too. And since Idol started we haven't had a chance to get away, so this will be a nice break.

There's other stuff going on that I don't really want to talk about much. Issues he's been having with exes and friends and we just want to go and forget about it for a while.

I've actually been going to that strip aerobics class that I talked about before. I'm having a great time with it. And surprisingly, I can see a difference. It's more fun than yoga and easier on the joints than regular aerobics, and let's face it. It's a lot more fun to demonstrate when I get home. So needless to say, Ryan's been enjoying this class as well.

Speaking of stripping, apparently Ryan went to a club the other night after the Idol taping. He was telling me about it and now seems to have the idea of getting a pole somewhere in the house. Yeah, I nixed that idea right away. Could you imagine what guests would think if they walked into a room and saw a stage with a pole? Although, it might be worth it just to see the look on people's faces.

(3 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

2:35 pm

The week leading up to the Grammy Awards is always so busy and stressful for me. Since I'm a correspondent for E!, I have to book times to tape segments, I have to go and help edit them, and add that into the final dress fittings, hair and makeup prep and finding the perfect shoes or accessories and by the time the awards roll around, I'm so tired I don't even want to go. But it's always a good time. The worst part is doing the segments on the gifts the celebrities get, since they usually can't be taped until Friday, sometimes Saturday, before the awards. So it's like a weeks worth of work in a day, basically. But it always manages to come together.

This year I did a segment on how celebrities stay in shape and the latest fitness trends. I actually went out and took a strip aerobics class, complete with pole. It was so much fun. I was surprised. And let me tell you, it's a lot of hard work. I enjoyed it so much I signed up for more classes. Great way to stay in shape. Plus, now I can make some extra money on the side. ;)

Ryan's been pretty busy lately, too, with Idol. We have a deal, since I don't really want to go to the shows every night, I go once a week. Last week I went for the results show, and that was pretty boring. I guess I should go to the performance show, that would make more sense. Last night was the guys, and for some reason, I had nothing to do so I watched it on TV, and they were pretty good. I was impressed. So maybe next week I'll go to see them. Plus, some of them are hot. Bonus. Ryan's going to make me go to the girls show now, I just know it.

Other than that, my days have been pretty boring. Maybe when Idol calms down a bit and it's only twice a week, things can get back to normal. Which is also boring, but at least Ryan's around.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Monday, February 7th, 2005

5:44 pm

I don't know if there's one word to describe this past week. None of the words I can think of are broad enough to define it.

Busy. I've been slowly unpacking more of my things and putting them around Ryan's house. I still think of it as his house, I should probably try to change that thinking. I think some part of me will always think of it as his and not ours, even after years of being here. It's only natural, I suppose, since it was his place for so long before I came around.

Tiring. I've been working a lot more than usual lately. And then combine that with the unpacking, I can't wait to crawl into bed at night and close my eyes and let sleep overtake me.

Lonely. Ryan was gone all week. Halfway across the world, nowhere near me.

Conflicting. I barely talked to him at all over the week. With the time difference, he would call and miss me, or call in the middle of the night. And yet? I don't know if I wanted to talk to him. Maybe I was working and throwing myself into unpacking just so I would fall into a deep sleep and not hear the phone when it rang. There were too many things that were left unsaid, but they shouldn't be said when we're not in the same place. And if they should be said at all is still up for debate, because we argue and argue and go in circles. I don't agree with him at all. And he doesn't agree with me. And we try to see the other's point, but how we feel is so overpowering that it doesn't matter if I see his point, because in my mind, he's wrong and that's all there is to it. I'm sure he feels the same way about me and my opinions.

I could list more words. Exhausting, betrayed, hurt, sad. But it would all lead me to the same place I'm at now.

None of those words are very happy. Maybe next week will be better.

(6 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, January 30th, 2005

2:25 pm

Ryan woke me up at the crack of dawn this morning, but it was because I asked him to. He had to catch an early flight to New York, and he's leaving from there to head to Nashville before flying to Australia. So if I didn't get up and take him to the airport, I wasn't going to see him for a week. And no, I don't count his three hour layover in LAX on Tuesday. That's not enough time.

It was six months yesterday. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is. So much has happened in those short months that it honestly feels like longer. And that's okay, because it hasn't gotten old or reptetive as these things often can. I still wake up and look for him next to me and smile when I see him there. Things like that are the things that matter most.

We spent the day inside yesterday. In and out of bed, mostly in. Last night was a bit rough, maybe it was me picking a fight, maybe it was both of us not wanting to sleep, but we worked though it, got out a few unsaid things. It was good, even if it didn't happen at the best time.

So he's gone and I have the house to myself. I have a few things I want to do, I'm not quite done unpacking my things, so this is a good time to do that, when he's not distracting me.

(6 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

9:35 pm

We started the week in New York. Ryan had to do some appearances, first on Letterman and then he did Live with Regis and Kelly. It only took a day for that, but we spent the weekend there before flying home. And I apologize for the sweaters that he wore. I tried to tell him not to, but he didn't listen. Clearly I needed to throw out more of his clothing when I cleaned out the closet. Although, I like to think if I had seen those, I'd have thrown them out on my own. That leads me to think he was hiding them at his office or something.

Anyway. Then Idol started this week. It's not live yet so our lives aren't really turned upside down. When he has to do the live shows, then I'm sure I'll hardly see him for a few days a week, but it's okay. Now that we're in the same house, it's not too bad, because I'll still be able to go to sleep next to him. But we had a party to go to on Tuesday night.

He let it out that he and Shana broke up. He didn't tell me he was going to do it, so it was a surprise to me. The best surprise ever, really. It's funny to hear him talk about it on the radio and act all broken up about it. When in actually he hates her and would love nothing more than to never see her again. So here's hoping she goes away. I don't know if we're going to go public or not, as much as I hated seeing him with her, I kind of liked not being the one in the spotlight.

We started talking about the wedding, too. We're looking at October. And actually kicking around the idea of getting married in Europe. I'm not sure if that's going to be what we do, but it's fun to think about.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, January 9th, 2005

9:23 pm

What a busy weekend! Hell, busy week.

Ryan and I spent a lot of time between our houses, packing up my things and moving them to his house. I never realized just how much junk I had. It was good, though. I managed to throw a lot of things away, things that were just lying around the house collecting dust.

But it also made me look at some of the things that are important to me. Like the elephants Joshua gets me whenever he goes out of the country. He read somewhere that they're good luck and he told me one night that if anyone deserved some good luck, it was me. He started buying them as a joke, I think, but then he didn't stop. I made sure to package them carefully so they wouldn't break. They're something that's going to be displayed.

And pictures. God, I have so many pictures. Family photos, pictures of my friends, vacations I took...I never realized how many I had just sitting around the house. Ryan and I talked about it, and we're going to take one of his walls and just hang them all. My pictures, his pictures, our pictures...all of them.

Anyway. On Saturday, I spent the day cleaning out Ryan's closet so I had some damn room. I mean, really, how many pink shirts does one guy need? But he brought my clothes over that morning, so I had no choice. Little did I know how long it was going to take. I banished him from the room, so he couldn't protest me throwing things out that he thinks he needs.

It's sad, though, leaving my place. It's the first thing I ever did all on my own. I found it, bought it, decorated it, paid for it...everything. It's the first thing that was mine. It's sad to leave that behind.

Although. After I was done cleaning the closet and my stuff was in there we went back to my house and we got the rest of the things that I'm bringing. And for the first time, I stepped into that house and it wasn't his anymore. It was ours. I walked into our bedroom and sat on our bed.

While I'm still sad about leaving my place? Those feelings made it better, knowing this was real and official and wasn't going to change. Not ever.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, January 2nd, 2005

3:37 pm

He asked. I said yes.

Really, is there anything more that I need to say? Probably not. But I will anyway.

It was perfect. Unexpected and spontaneous and unplanned and confusing and touching and sweet and romantic and everything that I could have wanted. It was just...perfect. It's not the way he planned on doing it, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. He told me he didn't even have the ring with him because he wasn't planning on asking so soon, and I just looked up at him and said it didn't even matter. The moment was there and he took it and I don't need a ring to prove anything.

We're flying back to LA now, he's actually asleep next to me. Neither one of us got much sleep last night.

It's funny, I don't know what to say beyond this. You'd think I'd have a lot of things. And I do, I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head, but you know, they're private. Not meant to be shared with anyone. Except for him. I guess that's the way it should be.

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Saturday, January 1st, 2005

3:01 pm

Everyone is talking about resolutions right now, it's almost uplifting. It's so optimistic to see people who want to really try and make themselves better, doing something little to make their next year a better one than the year before.

I'm not sure where I stand on resolutions. I attempt to make them, I suppose, but they never mean anything, it's never anything significant or really important in the grand scheme of things. Saying "I'll get up and run at least five times a week" isn't really something that's going to make me a better person, and isn't that sort of the point? Shouldn't some resolutions be more than not eating between meals and starting to exercise?

So I honestly tried to think of one last night. Ryan and I are in New York with Billy and Kaley and Ryan had his show to do, so I was at the bar by myself for a while, waiting for him, and I did some thinking. Sure, there's a lot of things that I might not like about myself or wish I could change, but they're small things, things that really don't matter.

It's harder than you'd think to be able to come up with something that matters. But when you think about what really matters in your life and the things that are constant and the one thing that's going to make this year even better than the last, I guess it becomes clear.

So I made my resolution. I'm going to not be so insecure about things he doesn't think matter, but I think are huge. I'm not going to doubt people, I'm going to actually try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's not going to be easy, it's actually going to be something that's going to force me to pretty much forget most of what's happened in the past few years.

But that's a good thing. I'd like to forget. Not all of it, of course, I had a lot of good times mixed in with the really shitty times. But if this is a way to help me forget those bad things, isn't that worth it?

And in the end, I think it will make me a better person. I won't be so untrusting, maybe I'll end up letting more people in. Right now, there's only two or three people I can say know the "real" me. Sure, it's okay to only have a few really close friends, but that doesn't mean that other friends have to get some facsimile of the real me. And in a way, I think that's what people see. They don't know what I'm really thinking or feeling, because I tend to keep things that people might not want to hear to myself.

I guess in a way, this might make me more honest. Maybe I'll be able to tell people how I feel, when I think they're being assholes, when I think they're out of line, instead of letting certain people get away with things that I feel they shouldn't be doing.

But if it doesn't? At least it'll help with one part of my life. And that part is the most important part, so when it comes down to it? That's all that matters.

(12 comments | comment on this)

Friday, December 24th, 2004

2:31 pm

So it's Christmas Eve. Ryan and I stayed in bed a bit longer than usual this morning doing...birthday type things. But eventually we had to get up, we had some last minute gifts to get before tomorrow and then we had to pick up his parents from the airport. Tonight and tomorrow promises to be hectic. But in the best way.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

And I wasn't going to do this, because I'm terribly bad at these things, but what the hell.

1. Reply with your name & I will write something great about you.
2. I will then tell you what song[s] remind me of you.
3. Last, I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

Sigh. I'm going to regret this.

(24 comments | comment on this)

3:05 am

A few months ago, if someone told me that by Christmas I'd be happy and in love, I'd have laughed at them. After everything I've gone though it kind of seemed a bit out of reach. But, as most things, I suppose, happiness comes when you least expect it.

We didn't expect anything that night. Dinner, drinks, just a couple of friends going out. And yet? It turned into the best thing that's happened to me. We didn't plan it - hell, if we tried, I don't think it could have worked out any better - but it happened anyway. And it's something that I don't want to give up.

We've been through a lot, too much, really, in the few months we've been together, but it's proved that we can get through anything. And wow, when I say "anything" I mean anything. Sometimes I feel like it's been too much, but then I look at him and I see it's all been worth it.

So. Happy birthday, baby. I hope today is everything you expect and more. And I hope this next year brings you nothing but happiness.

I love you.

(5 comments | comment on this)

Monday, December 20th, 2004

10:11 am

You ever feel like you're going in circles? Like you have the same conversation over and over and yet it never seems to get resolved? It's hard, though, because we have completely different opinions about some things and while he doesn't think it's a big deal, I do, and neither one of us are going to change our minds. I just don't know how to not feel like it's a big deal. I try, and I take all the right steps, you know? But it doesn't work. It's like my mind is not letting this one little thing go away. It's frustrating because sooner or later it's going to blow up into something huge, and that's the last thing I want.

I'm still sick, which doesn't help matters, either. I spent the whole weekend in bed, and not in the good way I spent last weekend in bed. I think I slept more in this past weekend than I did all week. I called into work today, told them I was going to work from home - well, Ryan's house - and someone is going to drop off the last minute things I need at lunch.

I also called Joshua and told him to come over. I haven't seen him for any length of time lately and besides missing him, I could use a good long talk. He'll either agree with me or tell me to shut up and hopefully make the problem in my head go away. As much as I hate when people disagree with me, I'm really hoping it's the second option.

I actually got done all my Christmas shopping, too. I did most of it online, since now it's too late for me to go out and brave the stores. I had to pay extra for faster delivery, but it's so worth it. I love Christmas and I can't wait for this weekend. I have a feeling this is going to be the best Christmas I've had in a long time.

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Friday, December 17th, 2004

4:21 pm

I am so sick. I was starting to feel bad a few days ago, but I didn't really think I was getting sick, I thought it was more the stress of the past few weeks finally catching up to me and just making me run down. I've been pushing everything to the back of my mind, not really letting myself deal with what I had to deal with, thinking more about him and what he was going through and what I could do to help him out. He was more important. I just figured now that everything is mostly over and done with, my body was just ready to stop moving so much, and the stress just...came out.

But it's not. I came home from work yesterday and pretty much collapsed and was out for the night. Today I only worked a half day before I had to leave and I'm ready to just curl up in bed and sleep for a week. I'm getting achy and I'm hot and cold at the same time. I'm not a good sick person, either. I'm really miserable. Or, well, more miserable, I guess.

This really sucks, though, because we had plans for this whole weekend. Ryan's work Christmas party is tonight, Mindy's having a party tomorrow and we were going to head to my parent's house for dinner so Ryan could meet them before the hassle of Christmas. Who knows now what's going on. I probably won't be going to any of the parties, but I'm going to force Ryan to go. There's no reason he should sit at home because I'm sick. If I need him to get me something, he's only a phone call away. Plus, I know he was looking forward to the parties.

I just wish this happened on a different weekend. Although? Other than me being sick, this is one of the better weeks out of the year. It's a good feeling to know that everything is behind us. It's like we proved to people that we're going to stick together, stand by each other, and they won't be able to touch that. That's a great feeling. I don't want it to end.

(6 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, December 12th, 2004

10:34 pm

You know, I've been sitting here thinking about what to write, how to sum up the past couple weeks, and I just can't. Too many things have happened for me to be able to easily put it into words.

Ryan and I are obviously still a we. There was never any problem, we just needed to take care of an annoyance, and the easiest and most effective way to do that was pretend to fight. It sucked a bit, but in the end, it was really for the best. And while Ryan and I are okay, I still feel bad about other things, but hopefully in time, that'll work out, too.

Speaking of Ryan, he's giving me 12 days of presents for Christmas. The 12 Days of Christmas. Really, does he know me or what? Twelve days of gifts and then Christmas? That's something I can really get behind. What's so great about the gifts is that it's just small things that would mean nothing to anyone else if they saw them, but to us? They're special. It's been a while since I looked forward to getting up, but hey, a present will do that.

You know what I don't get? If people have a friendslocked LJ, why the hell do they bitch if someone they don't like adds them? Hello! Just don't add them back and they won't be able to fight with you. Or read your entries. So why bitch about it? Just don't friend them. Dumbasses.

So anyway, life is really pretty good right now. For the first time in a while I'm actually looking forward to the holidays. It's a welcome change, I'll tell you that.

(36 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, December 5th, 2004

10:52 pm

I'm finally back from New York. I'd like to say it's good to be home, but it's not. I wish I could just stay there for another week. Or a month. Or move out there. Seriously, I wish I could pack up and go. Right now, there's too much I hate about LA.

But the trip was good, I suppose. Except for an unfortunate phone call on Thursday night, I managed to get away from a lot of the things that were bothering me. Of course, the hours of retail therapy didn't hurt that, either.

About the phone call? It blew me away, to say the least. It was something I wasn't expecting in a million years, and honestly? I don't even know now if I can believe it. I know I don't want to believe it. And if it's true, well...things won't be the same. Ever. And I don't want that to happen. I've tried finding out if it was true, but my phone calls weren't returned.

Although, I guess that's my answer, right? I guess after calling for three days and not hearing anything, I know that was she said was true. I just don't want to admit it, because it hurts too much to think about.

Hopefully the little vow of silence he has with me will end soon. Even if it's not what I want to hear, I want to hear it from him and not her. Because until I hear it from him, I can still hang on to that thread of hope that I have.

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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

4:28 pm

I'm in New York for work now. And it's just wrong. Everything is wrong. I didn't want to come here, I wanted to stay home. With him.

Things are just a mess, I guess you can say. Some people don't know how to mind their own business and decided that telling him lies would be a fun thing to do.

I just don't understand. Why he'd believe her over me. None of it makes sense. And I can't keep thinking about it because it's all I thought of all day and I have a headache from it.

I want to be home. I don't want to be here, alone, while he's there and she's talking shit in his ear. I want to be there with him. It's where I belong.

But I'm here through Sunday. He said he'd call. I just hope he does.

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Friday, November 26th, 2004

10:25 pm

I was going to make a post about what I'm thankful for, since it's that time of year, but then I decided not to. The people who I would mention know who they are, and that's what's important.

I went to my parent's house yesterday and in some weird way, the holiday couldn't have come at a better time. It was nice being surrounded by my family, in a way, it made me forget some of the things that have been in the front of my mind for the past couple weeks. He was in Georgia with his family and I didn't get to talk to him except for the half hour we had before he left to get some work done before his flight.

I'm not home now, I'm somewhere that only a few people would know where to find me. I needed to get out of the city, away from everything for a couple days. I needed to have some silence to clear my head.

He mentioned losing friendships, and I guess I've been thinking about that a lot. I'm sorry it had to happen to him. He's stubborn, though, and I don't know if he'd admit that it hurts like it does. Although, I could be wrong, I guess I shouldn't speak for him.

Someone said we think we're the perfect couple. We're not. I know that. I know we have our faults and we have our share of fights. I guess...that we just keep them to ourselves? Maybe that's why it seems like we think we have something better. I'm not an open person, I don't like talking about my problems. If I talk about them, I try to put a good spin on them.

I suppose that's a product of what happened with my past relationships. I focused on what was going wrong too much and not enough on what went right, and it ended up coming between us. Among other things, of course, but I don't think me worrying about what was going wrong was helping the situation at all.

But anyway. There is no perfect couple. Everyone has their own ticks, their own things that make them happy and things that they consider more important than others. For one person, it's trust that's most important, another might like the sense of security.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I didn't realize how things I said were taken. I'm not sorry I said them, really, because they are things I mean. I guess I'm sorry that a lot of things in my life seemed to spiral out of control, and I don't like that at all. I just want things to be good. For everyone.

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